Just Plain Cheese

Some downright cheese Facebook updates.

• A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, " hey, you've got a wheel stuck to the front of your pants.". The pirate replies, " argh, it's driving me nuts!".
• Why did the snowman cross the street and pull down his pants? He heard the snowblower was coming.
• What do we do when chemists die? We Barium.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• What does a vegetarian zombie say? grrrrraaaaaiiiins!
• Why do chicken coups only have two doors? Because if they had four they would be a chicken sedan.
• How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let's go ride bikes!
• Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? All the sailors were marooned.
• A baby seal walks into a club....
• Why can a nose never be twelve inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
• What did Beethoven and Mozart turn into when they died? Decomposers.
• What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idear.
  
• What does a vampire zombie say? Veeeiiiiinnnnnsssss.

CBSC Special

To tribute the recent stupid ruling by the Canadian Broadcast Standards Council to ban Dire Straits song Money for Nothing, here is my list of songs to nan:

You
• supports a ban on Honky Tonk Man, as it offends white guys
• supports a ban on Pretty Fly, and it offends fly white guys
• supports a ban on NWA's OPP, as it offends the Ontario Provincial Police
• wants to ban the song Girls, as it's offensive to Women
• agrees to ban the song Goonies, as it is offensive to Sloth
• demands to ban I Want a New Drug. We all know the current ones are fine.
• insists on ban of the song Lollipop, lest the sugar industry be offended
• wants to ban Rockafeller Skank, as it offends them hoes
• demands we ban Celine. Her and her songs, for the sake of all Canadians.

Animal Lovers

The animal lover says:

• cat people are puuuurrrr-fect
• pet lovers do it doggie style
• as an animal lover, Elk are very deer to me
• likes to drink with fish as they're always tanked
• as I friend of the sheep, I can say ewe are baaahd

Bad Timing

They day just doesn't go right sometimes.

• Bad timing is having a heart attack during a game of charades
• Bad timing is being alive during the Justin Bieber era
• Bad timing is being late for work and running for a street car as it get's hijacked by Leprechauns on St. Patty's Day
  
• Bad timing is letting a stinky one rip just before a colon exam
• Horrible timing is being that doctor who receives the stinky one

Facebook Secrets

Name:

* is a byte in a bit in a node designated to be sold to make Mark rich.
* is going on Intervention for Facebook withdrawal.
* vs. Mark Z in UFC 2010 - the Geekdown!
* is uploading my photo revenue stream to Mark's personal money making machine.
* is the model of an electronic sheep. Like
* wonders if FB'ing from the washroom should be called Fecesbooking.
* wonders if you bare wondering where I wrote this.

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Location:Your Place

Parliamentary Turmoil

Inspired by True Stories of the Canadian Government

Name:

• is in a coalition of ineptness, taunting those in that general direction
• is excited about Stephane J. Duceppe's new reign of Canada
• is doing the Parliamentary Hokie-Pokie (take your right wing out and shake it all about)
  
• is getting dizzy from our nation's slow spiral into attack-styled politics
• is watching the new sitcom "My Three Prime Ministers"
• asks if Larry, Curly, and Moe could do a better job for us?
• has anticipation for faster, more efficient decision making from a triple headed-hydra

My, How Odd

Name:

• dreamed of a brighter, cleaner world fully powered by the magic of funk!
• is a small cheese wheel at a wine party, being picked apart bit by bit.
• is a lime-coloured kitty being chased by a bottle of Tequila.
• flies through space and time with the intend of determining if the chicken came before the omlette.

November Naughtiness

Name:

• likes to whip it. Whip it good.
• wants to bring it on.
• wants to reenact scenes from the animal kingdom.
• was naughty. Perhaps a spanking is in order.
• is like a cobra, spitting his venom when excited.
• has a turtle, short and stout.
  

Why, oh why?

Name:

• is done looking through the looking glass. Now to look through the beer glass!
• is prepared to turn and devour on zombie brains.
  
• is reminded of a simpler time: the 80's.
• is traveling on a cloud of light through space and time.
• worbles when he should really warble.

Childhood Rhymes Gone Bad

Name:

• says if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
• the wheels of the bus go round and round. And it's making me sick.
• stepped on an itsy bitsy spider. Now I need to clean my shoes.
  
• wonders if Goldie Locks subsequently got mauled from those bears.
• and Jill went the hill to fetch a bottle of Evian water, but feels it was over priced and out of reach of the common man.
  
• was arrested for the London Bridge falling down, due to shoddy design.

Monday Madness

Name:

• is not happy with the new schell pecker.
• must have left his clothes in the water as his birthday suit is wrinkled.
• is a secret agent...oh crap.
• treats life like the game of Risk. Sadly, I only hold the Congo...
• is emitting non-lethal airborne particles from his restricted zone.
• is an aluminum investor. Drink more beer, collect more assets.
• is engaged in a political game of international intrigue with a Norwegian Blue.
• will get revenge on everyone and salt the seas. Take that!
• is not bitter. But is working on it.
• commits to less exclamation points in his updates!!
• defined reality as we know it. Prove me wrong.
• is doing the hustle.

Silly Sunday Sayings

Name:

• is fully utilizing internal organs for various processing activities.
• is a Lectus Solanum tuberosum Linnaeus. (a.k.a. couch potato)
  
• has become grand master of mediocrity, and is indifferent of this achievement.
  

Fun with Star Wars

Name:

• is busy with Jedi business, go back to your drinks.
• says size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?
  
• may not look like much, but has got it where it counts, kid!
• is almost there...just a couple of seconds.
• says there's an awful lot of moisture in here.
• just wants you to take her. I mean it. Take her!
• is going in, and is going in full throttle!
• says I don't think the Empire in mind when they designed her.
• say at last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi!
• says good job. Don't get cocky.
• says I am your father.
• says that's no moon.
• is caught in a tractor beam. It's pulling us in.
  

Fun with Cereal

Name:

• is magically delicious.
• is enjoying their fun, frosted site.
• is looking for their lucky charms.
• is not small. No, no, no. Name is big. Yea, yea, yea.
• knows that Trix are for good times.
• will give you two scopes of raisins!
• says They're Great!
• is cuckoo for small chocolate tasty puffed rice.

World of Automotive

Name:

• boasts an all new, smoother ride.
• had a manual stick shift, designed for performance.
• comes standard with a roomy trunk.
  
• . Now with dual exhaust.
• has room for up for 5 friends.
• , only $400 a month on approved lease.

Name:

• is impersonating a mannequin.
• is a sweater-vest crusader! (capes are so out of style).
• is having his creativity drained from that thing that shows us tv shows... you know, the tv.
• is itching for some ointment.
• wreaks havoc on normality at a location near you!

Name:

• today backwards talking is
• is so tired, he feels like tiny, little energy-draining gnomes have tapped his body with soul-sapping straws and have consumed his essence. A nap should fix that.
• is bright, like a light bulb...but only like one of those 25 watt, energy-efficient bulbs.
• wonders what people use #%$&! characters for swear words. What the heck is so wrong with $?
• wonders how a piano can be a player.

Funny thoughts of the day

Your Name Here...

• is tired of being treading on. It's just going in circles and I'm wheelie tired of it.
  
• is out for a run. Which is really just exhausting oneself in a futile attempt to get back where on started.
• wonders why so many poeple don't spel check their updates.
• is like fine art. Old and no one understands me. :)
• is doing a photo shoot to tribute Marilyn too. Move over Lindsay!
  
• was once in love with work. However, we've filed for a trial separation.
• wonders why people waste their time posting updates on Facebook...ohhh fudge!

Silly Status Updates

Name

• is a series of linked molecules.
• still wishes it was Saturday. But tomorrow will wish it were Friday.
• is made mostly of water.
• is.
• is taking it one day at a time. Sort of like a calendar.
• is not online. Really. I'm not sure how this got updated.
• doesn't see the excitement from snow. Really, it's just frozen water.
• is burning like a midnight oil. I wish they made a creme for it.